Do Fairies Have Pee Pees?

20332754 - 3d cg graphics jungle scene with charming fairyThe idea came to Edward one morning at his girlfriend’s when five-year-old Jenny asked Peggy if fairies had pee pees. “No, sweetie,” she said, “fairies don’t. You see, they don’t need pee pees because fairies don’t have to go to the bathroom.” Driving to work he thought about this and when he got to work he began the sketches.
He had landed the dream spot at Hot Damn Magazine in its first year of publication and had advanced from graphic artist to art editor in three short years. He decided he would do the graphics himself and spent the rest of the week completing five strips depicting fairies with pee pees. The illustrations of the strip he titled Fairy Farm focused primarily on a make-believe community of fairies that raised magic mushrooms, mushrooms that made dreams come true. The mushroom double entendre fitted perfectly the magazine’s bold and ever iconoclastic themes. The fairy genitalia he drew were simple tiny appendages much like the penises on Renaissance images of baby boys and cherubim. Edward’s girl fairies featured just a tiny triangular patch down below. In one frame two laughing boy fairies were seen urinating together against a tree. Editor/Publisher Davy LaCross loved the strip as did most of the crew. The only staff member not liking the strip was Production Manager, weird Teddy King. “Fairies don’t have dicks. I think it’s kinda sick, especially the pissing part. The rest is okay, I guess,” was all he had to say. Edward didn’t reply, but he thought, “Fuck him. Teddy’s probably gay. You’d think that if anyone knows whether fairies have dicks it would be another fairy.” He’d never like the guy. He wore Birkenstocks, he didn’t drink, he didn’t smoke, and he even kept one of those stupid little rubber troll dolls on his desk. “Fuckin’ creep.”
Sharpened Attitudes, a polling service used by Hot Damn, rated the March edition Six A, the highest reader approval rating, a first for the magazine. Data which included the number of readers per copy clearly indicated that copies with the Fairy Farm strip were being passed around. Davy and Edward conferred and decided to continue the Fairy Farm strip.
Frames in the next issue’s strip revealed full-frontal boy fairies, this time dancing in a ring with their tiny penises flopping. Girl fairies with perky budding breasts guided little wooden wheelbarrows of magic mushrooms to Hipster Meadow for the Friendly Giant Folk. The last frame of the strip showed all the fairies resting on their backs under an old oak tree, boy fairies smiling at girl fairies who returned the smiles.
Again, the ratings soared. Davy ordered another five-hundred copies of the magazine’s next run. Edward, working on the next strip, looked up to see Teddy King peering over his shoulders. “Do you have to do that?”
“Have to do what, Teddy?”
“Must you make something dear and beautiful so disgusting? I mean the fairies could just as easily grow the mushrooms for the hippies without revealing their nonexistent privates or your showing such private functions. Wouldn’t it be nicer to leave all that out? And that last frame where they are all spread out under the tree, that is, well, quite suggestive. Some readers might think they are het up for some kind of orgy or something. It’s lascivious, Edward, it is clearly suggestive. And ugly, if I may say so. You shouldn’t violate the purity of fairy folk. It’s unlucky. I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes if there really were fairies.”
“Well, duh, Teddy. Hot Damn ain’t The Reader’s Digest.” Until then he’d had no intentions of drawing fornicating fairies, but now he decided he’d later draw such a panel, not to publish, but just to piss off Mother Teddy.
The third published strip showed frames in which the King of the Fairies sat on a toilet reading Hot Damn Magazine, and another with a brazen illustration of a lovely winged girl fairy hovering with a coin in hand before a sanitary napkin vending machine. One of the giant bearded Friendly Folk from Hipster Meadow leaves a Viagra tablet scored into a hundred tiny pieces in the place where the magic mushrooms had lain. The final frame shows feet extending from behind a tree, two sets of opposing fairy feet positioned suggestively.
For the past month Edward had begun suffering bouts of constipation. He was concerned that he was becoming dependent on laxatives so had scheduled a doctor’s appointment. Also concerning him was the very private matter of his penis. It had never been what one might call a large penis, but not small either. Now it seemed small. Each time he stepped from the shower and examined himself in the bathroom mirror he seemed smaller. He hadn’t actually measured the length of his penis since puberty, but now the ruler revealed not five inches of yore, but rather a wee two-and-a-half inches. He’d discuss this with the doctor at his appointment in the morning. On his way out of the office he noticed a light in Teddy’s office. “I’m leaving Teddy, will you lock up?”
“I’ve got it, Edward. Goodnight.” Before leaving his desk to lock up, Teddy once again shifted the sharp little poster pin from the front of Troll’s crotch to its rear, plunging the pin into the rubber doll with glee.
© Gary Ives 2018
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